I’m the type of person who likes to be prepared for things.
I won’t usually own up to that–I like to think I enjoy spontaneity.
But when in the middle of surprises or a major change of plans, when I notice myself begin to well with tears, I have to be honest with myself…I like to know whats coming next. The surety protects me and insulates me from potential wounds, potential hurtful words or judgments when I feel most vulnerable.
This same surety also insulates me from potential encouragement, from life-giving words spoken with all clarity in the moments I need them most desperately.
When I feel most vulnerable.
And thus you have the theme of my last few years (read: life). The careful weighing of risks: sharing my heart and being truly known, risking rejection or ridicule- or keeping myself locked in a tight cell of self-protection, dishonesty, and a false form of security, where I risk never being seen, understood, or truly loved.
Through tragedy, many moves, love, and a marriage, I have chosen to risk.
And through that risk, I have discovered the exact blessings and adventures I had longed for, though maybe hadn’t expected. This year we (my husband and I) embark on our third year of marriage, our first house purchase, and our third year of pastoring together. I find myself surrounded with incredible people that love and support me, and see that what I thought was so big of a risk, was really only a lie that kept me from some of the greatest joys I’ve experienced.
To those still hidden in your shell: Risk being seen; both in beauty and in humbling ugliness, knowing that the One who’s love is unchanging (read: refuses to change) sees every ounce of the both the beauty and the ugliness, and loves still. And let that guard your heart and mind when the risk seems regretful and the judgement comes. Discern before you disclose; there is still wisdom involved in the type of “risk” I’m talking about.
So, as I sit here writing a blog post on a blog that I just created with no clue of what I was going to say and no clear vision for how this particular post would end (and no real intention of writing a blog post in this moment…), I take another step into the “risk of being known”.
In the future, expect to see recipes and pictures and me ranting and raving about many things (the Irish in me doesn’t know when to calm down…)
Thanks for taking the time to read,